Groundhog day. That’s how I would describe my life before divorce. Let’s call it b.d. for short. The alarm would sound, I’d shower and get ready, get the kids off to school, go to work, come home, take care of the kids’ HW and activities, make dinner, clean up, and go up to my room by about 8 pm. Then, I’d do it all again the next day. I pretty much had resting bitch face 85% of the time b.d. and I compared myself to others and their marriages. I judged. I felt like a victim. I was physically there for my kids but was often not actually present, in the now, like I am today. I allowed fear-based thoughts to dictate my life, my decisions, and even worse, my kids’ decisions. I cried often and had a permanent stressed furrowed brow. I filled up all of my free time just to not be alone with my thoughts and lived a “too busy” lifestyle to get away from my own self.
Life was far from fun as I often got in my own way. My kids got a version of their mommy that was not authentically who she really was. I was there physically, but I was far from truly living. They were seeing a mom stuck in fear and I knew they deserved a better mom and role model. I didn’t want my daughters, or my son for that matter, to settle out of fear but first I knew I had to lead by example.
I guess it’s no surprise that life after divorce (a.d.) resuscitated all of us, including my ex-husband. It brought us all back to life! I compare the way we were living b.d. to a murky pond. A murky pond is physically there but life is not thriving within it. It is stagnant. There’s no growth. The fish are pissed off if they’re not dead already. While life a.d. is a fresh, healthy pond thriving, instead of merely surviving. New growth is forming and all the little fish are happy and having fun. Once we were divorced, it’s like we all finally got the oxygen we all needed to live and thrive. We were all functioning each day at such a low vibration that nothing healthy was being created b.d.
My kids got a version of their mommy that was not authentically who she really was. I was there physically, but I was far from truly living.
Just like all kids, my kids were forming their own beliefs each day about love, marriage, men and women and they were using their parents’ marriage as their baseline. Ra-row! It took some time for me to truly forgive myself for separating our family and instilling some negative belief patterns, but then I realized that my kids have a soul with a purpose too. Just as I chose my parents to give me the lessons I needed, good or bad, my kids chose me and their dad to give them the lessons they needed to grow and evolve. I had to realize we were all keeping up and carrying out our own soul contracts that we made prior to human form. In this, I was able to release blame, guilt, and resentment for myself and others too. This in itself, along with the following 4 reasons, made realize we are all in a happier place today, a.d., even when the going gets tough.
After the divorce, my kids changed schools and moved twice in 3 years, after being in the same place their whole lives. They were forced to leave their comfort zones and learned how to acclimate to new environments and get along with all different types of people. They were provided with a life skill that many never receive. I watch my kids take risks each day and allow their confidence from their past experiences knowing everything was ok, to lead the way. I know my kids can truly take on the world and whoever else knows them can vouch for that too!
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My daughters learned what it means to be an independent, strong woman. My son learned the same. They watched their mom go against many societal norms not giving a you know what about what anyone else thought. The kids saw that anyone or anything that said I couldn’t do something, just gave me more motivation. In this, traditional gender roles that they saw growing up, were no longer validated for them. This will make my kids better partners when in a relationship knowing they are all equal to their partner and no one way is right or wrong. They watched their mom grow on her own not relying on any one person, or man, to save her. They saw me go back to school to get my master’s and take control of my own life. I no longer played the victim role and have taught them the same. With every adversity, we all look for the opportunity to learn and what the lesson is in it for all of us.
My favorite story that sums this all up is when my oldest daughter was having a conversation with her aunt and she told her she wanted a Cartier ring. Her very traditional aunt replied, “You better marry a rich guy!” My daughter replied, “Marry a rich guy? I’ll buy it for myself!” Boom! Enough said.
In me following my heart, working on mySelf and realizing happiness was an inside job, my kids have learned the same. I have instilled the same belief in them and watch them with a smile on their faces even when obstacles come in. I watch them acknowledge their feelings, talk about it, and learn how to make themselves happy in spite of what’s going on on the outside. This is something we all had to learn to do when going through the divorce and transitioning. We all became each other’s support system and made it a goal to figure out how to be happy in spite of it all. We really became a team!
My daughters tell me all the time that they want to laugh with their boyfriends or husbands the way I laugh with mine.
In seeing their mom in love now, they see what true love really looks like and feels like. My daughters tell me all the time that they want to laugh with their boyfriends or husbands the way I laugh with mine. They hear us giggling like kids or having a pillow fight when we go to bed, and it makes them fall asleep with a warm smile on their face knowing love can really feel that good. They watch their mom get surprised, get encouraged and emotionally supported and it makes us all happier. It teaches them what healthy love really looks like and feels like and that they should never ever settle for anything less than what they deserve.
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