By Laura Lifshitz
From the moment you two separated, admit it….you’ve been thinking about what it will be like to have sex with someone else.
It’s one of the scariest and most exciting (most likely) aspects of divorce. Being intimate with someone again after losing a love that may even have been a lifetime love,wondering if it really is like “getting back on a bike again.”
Obviously, having “new sex” is thrilling but not a reason to divorce (tell that to perpetual cheaters though),but you are getting a divorce. This means having new sex. Being naked with someone else. Intimate with someone else. Vulnerable with someone else.
If you’ve wondered what it’s like to get back in the sexual saddle after divorce but are afraid to ask anyone the truth, don’t worry. I’m here to be honest.
1. You are probably going to feel like your whole body is on fire
New sex. It’s exciting. You may have been completely sexless in your marriage towards the end… or the whole time. Or maybe not. Don’t be surprised if you feel sort of like a cat in heat. Some of this is due to normal female hormonal changes,and a lot of it has to do with wanting to feel desired and sexy again. Wanting to feel wanted. This is normal. Just be careful. Don’t get involved with anyone you’re not ready to be involved with, and don’t have sex with anyone unless you’re ready and understand what the “sex means,” whether it’s a long-term commitment thing, a dating situation or casual.
2. You might feel like you cheated, but you didn’t
The first time you might almost feel as if you did something wrong. You might feel as if the experience was strange. It’s normal to feel some sense of guilt, but don’t be-really. You’re obviously not doing anything wrong, but it’s normal after you’ve been with someone for a long time to feel awkward when you’re with someone else for the first time.
3. You might set your standards too low, so be wary of that
In an attempt to feel wanted and sexy, (see point #1) you may be tempted to set your standards a little low in order to just feel alive( i.e., have sex again).
If you are the kind of woman who needs attachment or has low self-esteem, do not do this. It will only make you feel worse about yourself. The catch-22 here is that most likely if you have low self-esteem, you’ll be more susceptible to doing this.
If however, you’re a real-life “Samantha” from Sex in the City and you just want to have sex and have the “heebie-jeebies” over commitment, just be safe and don’t worry about Mr. Perfect.
I tend to advise caution on this. We have all heard about “Cougars”—how women are turning the paradigm on sexism by having younger men after divorce.And hey, there is nothing wrong with this, but be honest with yourself:
Who are you? How do you feel about yourself? What do you really want? Are you ready for this, truly?
Just don’t jump in too soon if you’re not ready.
4. You will be hit on by a lot of younger men for many reasons
Even if you divorce young, you are now “seasoned.” Younger men love this. They see you as exciting, exotic, interesting, and confident and not one of their peers who are most likely pressuring him into commitment or marriage
Young men will flock your front yard. Practically.
If that’s your thing, go for it. If it’s not, just appreciate your sexual vitality as long as they are respectful. If they’re not, knee them in their juvenile testicles and walk on.
5. You may “over-value” the first time experience
Because it’s been so long since you’ve felt wanted…be wary of this and also, relish it.
You’ll probably be like, “Wow! This sex was awesome. Yay!”
And after being hurt, it may feel like the best sex of your lifetime, and that’s great.But be cautious with “high feelings.”
What do I mean by that?
I mean just be sure that you are keeping perspective and not getting caught up in someone unless you are ready and this person is really all that “amazing.”
This person very well may be!
Either way, pay attention to your vulnerability.
6. You may be tempted to have sex as revenge
This is not my way of being, but some women just long to go out there quickly after a divorce in order to “get back” at the love injuries they have had to endure during divorce.
Hey—to each her own, but be careful that you are not acting or having sex out of anger. Anger only consumes the angry, not the person who made you angry. Remember that.
7. You may be tempted to go back to your ex’s of the past
And they will appear at your doorstep practically. I guarantee it.
Every ex-boyfriend you had since preschool (yup, that’s right) will be on your Facebook page, email inbox and doorstep once they even smell your marriage is troubled.
That’s how they work, it seems.
Be careful of tango-ing with the past. Sure, your long-lost true love could be your high school sweetheart. I’ve seen that happen, but I’ve also seen a lot of people reunite with an ex and it be just as disastrous as the last time around.
It all depends:
Is your former ex a good guy? Is he someone you really loved?
Is he a scum looking for a vulnerable woman? Is he just looking to hook up?
There are no clear-cut rules about life, love or anything. The only rule I’ll tell you to abide by is to only be intimate and loving with someone who is on the same page as you, respects you and wants what you want, whether it’s one night, ten nights or a lifetime.
And no matter what you do, guard your heart—but this doesn’t mean keep it locked up. The most miserable people after divorce are the ones who refuse to try again.
The second most miserable are those who are desperate.
Recognize how worthy you are, (no pun intended here) and set your price high and watch who bids.
About the Author
Laura Lifshitz is a pint-sized, battery-operated writer, comedienne, single mother and chocolate fanatic. A former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate, you can find her work in many places, like the New York Times, DivorceForce, Mom.Me, Women’s Health, Worthy, Working Mother and numerous other sites. Follow her on Facebook and her own website, frommtvtomommy.com.