By Laura Lifshitz
If we really loved our exes so much, we would still be with them. You don’t divorce someone because that person is the love of your life. Of course, you can still have plenty of positive thoughts about your ex-spouse after a divorce, but if you have a few bad ones, well … that’s not unusual, and you won’t go to hell.
Unless of course, you treat the person like garbage. That’s a whole other story.
But if you’ve ever had these thoughts about your ex, you’re in good company with many others who have felt the same way. Have a laugh and also, take heed of the positive spin I’ll give on all of those negative feelings. If you can’t grow from this experience, then what was the point of divorcing the person?
How Did My Ex Find Someone Else to Fall For His/Her Sh*t?
Yup, this isn’t an unusual thought to have. But before you go crazy wondering, keep a few things in mind:
- Everyone puts on a good face to start
- This new person may be better for your ex than you were—like they may just be a better duo and you too, will find your better half
- Many people hide abusive behaviors rather well
- Your partner’s flaws may be seen as pro’s for another person
- Some people have crappy taste…you once did (ha!)
Most importantly, who cares? Why sit around wondering about your ex’s new partnership when you could be focusing on your own life? Let those thoughts enter and exit your mind, like trains passing in and out of towns.
Why Hasn’t Karma Found My Ex Yet?
Ha, ha. Your ex may be thinking the same thing about you!
Doesn’t that make you laugh a little?
In any event, you’ve probably wondered why karma hasn’t brought down the iron rod on your ex. You may even see an ex thriving after him or her doing a whole bunch of bad stuff. This may make you lose faith.
- You’re not the almighty, and paybacks come when they come…don’t worry
- Don’t focus on your ex “getting his or hers,” as it’s simply just negative toxic energy and a waste of your time
- You don’t really know how good or bad one individual has it, so stop assuming everything is sunshine for your ex when it may not be
- Mostly, spend your energy not caring about your ex
How Did I Even Marry This Person in The First Place?
Okay, well…that’s a good question.
You’ll sit and wonder this probably many times throughout the years after your divorce. I actually think putting the finger on why you married someone that didn’t work out is a healthy thing. By figuring out what charmed you to the marriage, you can:
- Grow to make better dating choices for the future
- Understand who you were and who you want to be for now on
- Start to forgive yourself if perhaps, you had married someone abusive
It’s normal to be mad at yourself also for choosing Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, but don’t hold onto those feelings because it won’t help you in the long run.
How Did I Ever Find This Person Attractive?
Funny how you can forget all that sexual attraction after things have gone sour, right?
I’ve talked to people who said at some point, they felt downright repulsed by their former spouse. It’s amazing how bad behaviors and a toxic situation can literally poison those happy “horny” feel-good hormones.
No advice needed here, but know that it’s not unusual to be grossed out by your former love.
How Did That Person Stop Doing All The Things I Once Loved?
Remember all the cute pet names and nice romantic meals your former spouse used to lavish on you? (Or something like that?)
How did it get to this? How did it get to wanting a passport out of town from this person?
- Who really knows—but whatever the case, it’s most certainly a combination of factors and not one sole event (usually)
- That person may have put on a good act long enough and you may have had blinders on intentionally, whether to not be alone or what have you
- Maybe your own behaviors impacted your ex’s change of affections and by realizing what role you had in your divorce, you will only move forward positively with someone else for the future
How Did I Not See The Writing on The Wall When The Marriage Started Going South With This Person? (Was I Clinically Insane?)
Chances are, you’re only 40% crazy, and not 100%. Sure, you probably put on big fat blinders to your ex’s behaviors and you’d be smart to not do that in the future, but sometimes, we only see what we want to see. Don’t stab your eyes out over this though; here are things to consider for the future:
- You wanted the happy ending (not the massage parlor one) where the two of you stayed married
- You were probably afraid to leave
- You probably hoped things would change
- You’re human and make mistakes and sometimes, these mistakes are big and that’s ok
You can’t punish yourself for this. Many of us stay too long in bad marriages.
Whatever the case is, the best way to be free from a bad marriage for eternity is to not allow your former marriage to take up too much headspace. You need to live, love and go on my friend in order to embrace a better future!
About the Author
Laura Lifshitz is a pint-sized, battery-operated writer, comedienne, single mother and chocolate fanatic. A former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate, you can find her work in many places, like the New York Times, DivorceForce, Mom.Me, Women’s Health, Worthy, Working Mother and numerous other sites. Follow her on Facebook and her own website, frommtvtomommy.com.